When on Earth(Do as the Earthlings do)
by GeminiAlchemist
Summary: Romance wasn't something entirely foreign to Homeworld. But Gems could only date gems of the same type, and different Gems had different ideas of what makes a good date. Two Peridots might gather data, Lazuli's might go for a flight. Rather than do things the Homeworld way, Peridot and Lapis decided to partake in dating how Humans do. Lapidot. connected Oneshots and drabbles.
1. Make a date

A/N: This is a collection of lapidot fics I've had on my mind. Loosely connected oneshots that all go over the thought of "Gems are really alien when you think about it, do they even have dating in their culture? And if they do, they're so segmented, that they're bound to have a bunch of different dating stuff that only each gem can do with a member of their own gem group. I wonder how a gem new to Earth would take Earth dating?" Combine that with my love for Lapidot, and boom.

This is also my own way of fighting back against the terrible scourge of horrible Human AUs that have been rampaging in my scifi cartoon about gay alien rocks. Do you have any idea what it feels like to see so many Lapidot fics, only to find out 3/4ths of them are unreadable AUs? … Hm... I feel I may have angered 3/4ths of you reading this with that comment.

* * *

Romance wasn't an idea that was entirely foreign to Peridot. It happened on Homeworld, though very rarely, and only between Gems of the same type. Diamonds forbid what would happen to two gems of different variations who attempted to be together. They'd be separated at best, shattered as an example at worst.

But Romance as a concept wasn't new, at least. Peridot knew a few other Peridots who had gone on romantic endeavors with one another. And while she herself had never had the chance, she knew it must have simply been because all the other gems were intimidated by her intelligence, or her greatness, or some combination of the two. But she at least knew how Peridots "dated" as the people of Earth called it. They had a defined set of advanced rituals. She was however clueless on how Lapis Lazulis dated.

After all, when gems spent a lot of time with their own groupings, they tended to create their own social norms. Peridots often analyzed data together with their romantic partners, for instance. She'd heard rumors that Rubies like to brawl with their partners, though after meeting the fusion, Garnet, she wasn't so sure about that one. But Lapis Lazulis? Did they fly together? Lapis liked flying. Homeworld didn't exactly have a lot of water on it, so she didn't think they did anything involving that unless they were offworld. Which they were. Peridot supposed she could fill up a water gun she'd seen somewhere around the old barn, but didn't think it'd have the same affect.

She was getting ahead of herself. She hadn't even asked Lazuli if she would go on a date with her yet and was already worrying on how things would go. Not that she thought Lapis would say no. She was confident Lapis felt the same way about her as she did for the blue gem. They'd lay on the couch watching episodes of Camp Pining Hearts for a week, with their hands in just the position where their touch stumps(pinkies, Steven called those particular touch stump pinkies. For some reason) would often brush against each other. And the number of unnecessary glances they exchanged over the last few weeks had increased exponentially. And Lapis had been throwing more compliments on her creations her way as well. It was obvious that Lapis was crazy for her!

And why wouldn't Lapis want to date her? She was great! And loveable! The great and lovable Peridot!

Perhaps she should simply ask Lazuli out and worry about the date later? Lapis could help give her some input, there had to be something that both Peridots and Lapis Lazulis did on dates. Perhaps they could make a Venn diagram to help them show any common correlations between what the two types of gems normally did on romantic outings? … That in itself sounded like something a Peridot would do on a date, so she already had one example to add to the diagram! Brilliant!

She adjusted her seat on the sofa, where she'd been spacing out for the past half hour instead of paying attention to the human's Televised entertainment in front of her, to turn over to Lapis, who sat beside her, looking a bit bored at whatever infommercial had been playing for the last few minutes. Reaching for the remote to mute the annoying woman hawking her unwanted products through the screen(for three easy payments of 19.99! Whatever THAT meant), she eagerly(and loudly) tried to get her fellow gems attention.

"Lapis! It has recently come to my attention that there is something going on between the two of us, and I mean to solve it!" She exclaimed, arms crossed and face smug.

Lapis didn't even tun her head away from the screen, instead just glancing at Peridot through the corner of her eyes, head leaned up against one hand, propped up at the elbow on the sofas arm, while the other patted the animated pumpkin on her lap. "Yeah? And what is going on between us, and how exactly do you plan to solve it?" The blunette asked, only half listening.

Standing up on her feet, Peridot struck a triumphant pose, "We are obviously romantically attracted to each other, and I plan on taking you out on what the humans call a "date!"

This got Lazuli's attention, but not by much. Just a raised eyebrow and a faint smile."Romantically attracted, huh? How'd you put that together?"

"You obviously couldn't keep your eyes of my gorgeous form! From there it was easy to deduce that you had to be crazy about me! I mean, I don't blame you, I am amazing!" the green gem grinned, chest puffed out to show just how confident she was feeling in her analysis.

Lapis chuckled into her free hand and moved Pumpkin to Peridot's now empty seat before standing and pressing her finger against the tip of her companions nose. "Maybe I just stare a lot because you're so short and I want to make sure you're not shrinking. I'd hate to lose you in a pile of scrap"

Peridot's grin faltered just a bit. She hadn't miscalculated and blown everything, had she? Before she could panic though, Lapis continued. "It's just so happens to be a good thing I happen to find shorties cute." And with that Peridot found her hair a mess as Lapis ruffled the top up and shot her a wink. "so, do you know how to show a girl a good time?"

With that wink, Peridot found herself a bit red in the face, and began to tap her forward touch stum- index fingers, her index fingers, together. "Eh, well, uh, you see, I thought long and hard about it-"

"You didn't hurt yourself doing that did you?"

"- but I couldn't come up with anything that both Peridots and Lapis Lazulis would both do on romantic outings together due to a lack of data on just what exactly Lapis Lazulis even do for said outings. I thought maybe we could put our heads together, figuratively speaking, and come up with a plan." Peridot explained, completely ignoring Lapis' interruption.

Lapis rubbed her chin for a moment, thinking. "Well, as much fun as gathering data sounds," the sarcasm was thick in her voice, "We could try something different. I mean, it's not like we're on Homeworld, we could come up with our own thing if we wanted to, like our Morps."

Peridot smiled, clapping her hands together excitedly, "Excellent idea, do you have anything planned?"

The blue gem looked deep in thought for a moment, before snapping her fingers. "I've got it! Steven has always been trying to get us to be involved in a bunch of that Earth culture stuff, right? Why don't we do something like that? What's that phrase he taught me? "When in Rome...""

* * *

A/N … do as the Romans do. I'll post up the first date they go on here soon, I promise. Until then, I'll be barricading myself in for my own protection against the Human AU authors who are still mad at my comments from the first Authors Note. I'll mark it as complete for the entire duration of the fic's lifespan, just because I don't have any ending planned for this. I just plan on adding a new chapter whenever I feel like writing something cute.

If anyone has suggestions for dates they can go on, feel free to leave your suggestions in the review or PM them too me.


	2. Dinner Date

A/N: I'd like to think that all of Lapis and Peridot's knowledge on Earth dating comes from either the TV, or Steven. Which can lead to hilarity.

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After deciding to try things the human way, the two gems made a short list compiling everything they knew about Earth dating, and chose one at random.

Which is how they ended up on a "romantic" candle light dinner at the Fish Stew Pizzeria, with a whole pizza sitting untouched on the table between them.

"It, uh, looks good?" Lapis tried, as she eyed the foodstuff, poking at it's crust.

Peridot shrugged, "I don't think either of us thought this one out. We don't eat. I CAN'T eat. But, well, this is what humans do for dates on the Television." She took a sniff of the air. "At least it smells nice, I guess."

"I'm not entirely sure Dinner dates are our kind of thing," Lapis flashed a grin to her counterpart, flicking a mushroom off the top of the pizza in Peridot's direction. It splattered against her visor, leaving a trail of grease as it was pulled down by the force of gravity.

"If you wish to sample the dish, by all means, don't let my inability to eat stop you." She tried wiping the grease off with a napkin as she talked, only for it to smear even more.

"I am curious, I think I'll just take a slice back home with us and try it later. I'm kind of uncomfortable with shape-shifting a stomach in public." The Blunette then gestured to Jenny Pizza, who'd been standing there with a less than amused expression on her face.

"Like, you two have been here for-EVER. Just staring at the pizza for an hour. I can't close up and hang out with my friends until you guys finish up and get out. And just so we're clear, You'd better be paying for that pizza, I'm all for having Steven's friends over, but if you're anything like the purple one I may have to ban you just to keep my Dad from taking the money you'll owe out of my check!"

Peridot raised a brow, "an hour already? I guess we were so fascinated with the foodstuff we hadn't realized how much time had passed." She then grinned nervously, "and on the subject of payment, I, uh-"

It was at just that moment that Greg Universe came in to save the day. "Late night pizza for pick-up!" The permanently sun burnt man made his way to the counter to pick up his order as Jenny headed back behind the register, saving Peridot from having to explain that she had no currency to speak of. "Sorry I ordered so late, I spent all day dealing with cleaning up Mayor Dewey's van again. It got real messy this afternoon after another Gem attack on the beach. Mud and sand everywhere, let me tell you," He smiled up at the teen. "Whats the damage?"

"That's just fine, Mr. Universe. We were keeping our doors open a little late tonight anyway, what with those two making googly eyes at each other. And for the medium, that'll be twelve dollars."

"He'll provide payment!" Peridot suddenly shouted, scrambling over to Greg's side on all fours, knocking over more than one chair to reach him.

"Oh, hi Peridot! And Lapis, too? What I surprise, I didn't think you guys ate food. Or do you just make a exception for pizza?"Mr. Universe patted his belly and chuckled, "I know if I didn't have to eat, I'd still grab a slice myself every once in a while. Got to keep my amazing figure, you know?"

It then hit him what Peridot had said. "Wait, provide payment for what?"

We're on a date, and forgot to bring any money," Lapis shrugged, offering Greg a small smile. She always did like Steven's dad, especially after their day out on the open ocean in the boat. "You don't mind paying, do you? You can have the pizza, we didn't actually eat any of it."

Greg's face lit up and he clamped a hand on both Gem's shoulders "A date? That's great, I'm so happy for you kids! I suppose I can shell out a few extra bucks for you guys. But why did you kids have a dinner date if you don't eat dinner? Or any other meals for that matter?"

"We hadn't thought everything through at the time we decided on it," Peridot admitted sheepishly, before frowning. "And we're several hundred times older than you, we're not exactly kids."

Lapis on the other hand gave her appreciation. "Thanks for covering the bill, Mr. Universe. If you don't mind us asking, what are some other things that humans like to do on dates?"

"Don't you worry your blue little head over it, you just focus on having fun on the rest of your date." Greg shot her a wink, before looking thoughtful. "Well, in my opinion, you just can't go wrong with a nice long walk on the beach with that special someone, you know? I didn't have a lot of cash back when I started dating Rose, so we always went on those. Best dates we ever had. You know what they say, the best things in life, don't cost nothing." He then gave her a pat on the back before turning back to Jenny, cash in hand. "Could you box up that pizza on the table over there as well?"

The two gems and human walked out of the restaurant together, before parting ways. Greg had a nice cozy van to get back to and a pizza to enjoy, and Lapis and Peridot had a date to wrap up.

As the Gems made it back to the barn, and Lapis was about to open the door, Peridot cried out "WAIT!" and dragging the blue gem back a few steps.

"What is it, Peridot?"

The smell gem breathed in and then let it all, "There's this thing humans do after a successful date, just before they go inside. I saw it on the TV once. I believe it has some large, romantic purpose, and I'd very much like to try this tradition."

Lapis eyed the green gem before shrugging. "Okay, how does it go?"

Peridot stuck out her hand, "Well, they call it a "Handshake...""

* * *

A/N: No, Peridot. A successful date ends with a kiss, a bad date ends with a handshake.

Out of all he characters in SU, the one I hope I got down well enough is Greg. He's just the most beautiful soul, and one of my favorite characters for how much of a sweet heart he is. Mr. Greg is one of my favorite episodes. He becomes a millionaire and doesn't know what to do with all his money because he'd just like to spend time with his kid instead. Dad of the year.

And again, I'm taking suggestions for dates they can go on. And don't worry, a first kiss will come up soon.


	3. A Long walk on the Beach

A/N: Just a short one, where they take Greg's advice and go on a walk on the beach.

* * *

The sounds of the ocean, the feeling of sand between bare toes, and a setting sun. Two happy gems, blue and green, walked hand in hand along the shoreline, occasionally getting their feet wet as the waves rolled in.

"I really have to give Greg credit," Peridot said, breathing a deep, relaxed sigh, "This long walk on the beach has been very invigorating."

"Yeah, we should really do this again sometime." Lapis tightened her grip on Peridot's hand as they moved in a rhythm with each other.

"Maybe next time we should do some fun activities! Steven says Volleyball is pretty fun. Or we could go for a swim, if you're feeling up to it." The little green Gem smiled up at her partner, giving her a small bump with her shoulder.

Lapis gave her a playful shoulder bump back, "Those do sound like fun. Is volleyball anything like baseball?"

"Well, we won't have to call you Bob, but other than that, I don't actually know." The two gems giggled a bit, before looking back to see their footprints in the sand, reaching miles and miles back.

"You don't think we took the long part in long walk on the beach too literally, do you?" Lapis asked.

"Of course not, we've only been walking three days. Barely a stroll!"

* * *

A/N: I don't know if you're catching on, but I really like slipping in long units of time going by like nothing for these 2. Chapter 1 had Peri mention a week long marathon of TV, in which I mean that literally, they didn't so much as get off that couch once in a week. They stared at a pizza for an hour in the last chapter. And a long walk on the beach lasted 3 days.

Wait until we dive deep into the alien biology stuff.


	4. Pet Names

A/N: So sorry this took so long. I got so busy with my Little Witch Academia fics that I kept postponing work on this one. If you guys haven't watched LWA, it's on Netflix, and it's great, I love it to pieces. Then when you finish watching that, go read my other fics on it, I could use the traffic.

Also, new description for the fic! I hope that gets more people to check it out.

* * *

"How about Periwinkle?"

Peridot's nose wrinkled at the questionable nickname, looking up at her girlfriend, whose lap she sat in, fingers entangled in each others hands. "Unlikely. Not only am I not a flower, but I'm a brilliant shade of green, not a sad blue like that particular flower." Seeing the look Lapis shot her at the comment on color, she added a "No offense." Before smiling up and suggesting "But if we're going with a flower theme, I could call you my Lazulily."

The blue gem grimaced upon hearing it, "yeah, no. That's almost as bad as just calling me Bob like you did earlier. Though you do bring up a good point, you are a good shade of green, why not just call each other by our colors? I'll be Blue."

Peridot looked thoughtful for a moment, before shaking her head. "No, that won't work at all. While good in theory, it lacks any personal touches. You might as well call me triangle because of my hair."

Lapis thought for a moment, "How about Dot?"

"Too Warner." Peridot dismissed with a wave of her hand.

Confused at what her girlfriend meant, but not thinking too deeply into it, Lapis went on to her next suggestion, "Peri?"

"What's with just splitting my name in half? What if I just called you Lap? Or Is?" Peridot grumbled, getting more annoyed with each suggestion.

"Ugh, fine, how about Pierre? And I can be Percy?" Lapis leaned in, figuring that Peridot's love of Camp Pining Hearts would finally bring about an end to this silly discussion. Only to wind up disappointed.

"No, as much as I like those names, I couldn't use Camp Pining Hearts to describe anything in our relationship. It's too special." As Lapis smiled at how fondly Peridot seemed to think of them being together, the Green gem added, "Camp Pining Hearts, that is." Causing Lapis to frown. Finally Peridot growled, pulling at her hair, "Why is this so hard! The humans on TV make this look easy, with their Darlings and Cupcakes and other stupid pet names!"

Not wanting to deal with a frustrated Gem in her lap, the Blunette leaned in an whispered in her ear in as sultry a voice she could pull off, "well, I could just call you Mine and we could be done with it." and enjoyed the darker green blush creep up on the green gems face.

"Th-that could work,"

* * *

A/N: An added note, this might not all be in chronological order from this chapter onwards. I mostly just write these as they come to me. Here's hoping I get another chapter out in less than two weeks time. I've got a whole list of ideas and suggestions.


	5. Rom-Coms and Kisses

A/N: I do plan on actually getting around to suggestions someday, but I needed to get this chapter out of the way first. Yup, first kisses.

* * *

Lapis and Peridot were once again sitting on their couch, going through old tapes that Steven had lent them. This time, though, rather than watching them, Lapis had inserted one and was fast forwarding to a specific moment near the end of this "rom-com(what did that even mean?)."

She ended up passing it, "Darn." Rewinding, she motioned for Peridot's attention. "Okay, look, see, this is supposed to be some big romantic gesture, but I don't get it."

Hitting play, the movie continued, where the "likable" male protagonist(Peridot insisted he was a clod who almost ruined everything due to his man-childish behavior) pressed his lips against the "relatable" female protagonists(Lapis was under the impression she was settling for way less than she deserved. Did humans think that was relatable?).

"See, that thing. What. Is. It." Lapis gestured at the screen, confusion spread over her face.

Peridot leaned in, squinting her eyes as she studied the paused image. "I think, and this is just an idea, that they're resorting to some form of ritualistic cannibalism, and intend to eat each other to prove who is the superior human."

"But that can't be it!" Lapis groaned, "They don't eat each other, and both are still around in the next scene like no face eating happened. It's just, weird!"

"So, we know it's some sort of thing connected to Earth dating, and we're trying Earth dating..." Peridot grimaced, "Uh, do you think we can skip this one? It doesn't look appealing in the slightest."

Lapis brow furrowed as she thought. "No." was the conclusion she'd come to after a few moments. "We said we'd try Earth dating, so we have to try this, at least once."

"I was afraid you'd say that." The green gem deadpanned, giving Lapis a bit of the stink eye. Giving a sigh, she relented. "Let's get this over with. Just once, right? And then we never have to do it again?"

Lapis nodded, a determined look on her face as she scooted closer to Peridot, shifting her position so she was roughly at face height with her girlfriend.

Both gems gulped, neither looking forward to the contact they were about to make. Peridot scrunched her eyes closed, she couldn't bear to even look, but Lapis kept hers partly open so she'd have some idea what she was even doing.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of waiting for this disgusting thing to happen so it could be over with, their lips touched. A spark went through both of them and in surprise the two pulled back immediately.

They looked at each other blankly. The other had to have felt that, right? "Um, I think that went by a little... fast?" Lapis tried, even more curious now.

"Y-yeah, perhaps we should try it again?" Peridot agreed. The two stared at each other a moment longer, before closing their eyes and leaning in once more.

This time the kiss lasted more than a moment. This time they tried moving their lips, and after a moment they found a rythem and moved in sync.

When it ended, both Gems sat with their legs dangling off the couch, staring blankely into the distance. For some reason, despite it just being a touch of the lips, the action felt like it had changed everything about everything.

"W-we said we were only doing it the once, right?" Peridot asked, finally finding her voice.

"Yeah." Lapis agreed.

Neither gem looked at each other when they spoke. Then, suddenly, at the same time they turned to look at each other. And Peridot proceeded to throw herself into Lapis' arms, smashing their faces together, running her hands through the blue hair as Lapis held her tight and kissed her back.

Taste wasn't something Peridot experienced often. She couldn't eat, but her tongue still worked. Maybe it was due to it's lack of use, but Lapis' mouth against hers tasted so good, it was all she could think about. Quick, rapid fire kisses turned into a lip lock as she forced her tongue into her girlfriends mouth, eager to taste even more.

Lapis was aware she should find the sensation of another Gem's tongue in her mouth gross, but instead she found herself enjoying the sensation immensely. She worked her hands up Peridot's body and up to her face, and held her there so Peridot couldn't pull back even if she wanted to stop.

And they lay there on the couch, performing their gross human love ritual for the rest of the night, right until Steven knocked on their barn door, in which case they threw themselves apart, red faced, but wearing beaming smiles. They should ask Steven what other weird stuff Human's do.

* * *

A/N: That got kinda steamy towards the end there. Wait until they find out about the birds and the bees! … No, seriously, I'm going to have Amethyst explain that one in a future chapter.

Now that I got kissing out of the way, next chapter will be a suggestion from the readers. I've got a list lined up from the combination of FF and Ao3.


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